when i was around 10, i decided i was going to write a choose-your-own-adventure romance book, except i accidentally printed it off without noticing. my parents found it and confronted me to ask if i truly understood what a ‘french kiss’ was. i was ashamed of being found out, but mostly offended they thought i didn’t know my subject matter.
i didn’t watch all those mary kate & ashley movies for nothing, y’all.
in 5th grade i drew nipples on a male character and this lil narc ass student told the teacher on me, complaining that i'd drawn nipnops.
the teacher was just like, "well. men do have nipples."
at 12 i was googling something, and in the results there was a yuri picture. i thought, verbatim: "there's nothing more beautiful than two girls embracing." (i was a verbose bab.) then i was appalled because GAY IS WRONG AND SIN but i could never unthink it.
in freshman year, i said 'jerk-off' while talking on the phone with the youth pastor’s wife. i didn’t know what it meant and i was quoting foamy the squirrel. mum heard me and flipped out.
a few years later, i called dumbledore a ‘twat’ in front of another church person — i didn’t know the meaning of that one, either. i just thought it sounded better than ‘git,’ (which was the original quote) and made the executive decision to change it. mum flipped out about that one, too.
when i was around 16, i developed a brief hero worship of this guy who wrote a really good naruto/dune crossover. he had his AIM handle on his profile and i excitedly messaged him. tell me why the first thing he did was read my fanfiction and rule that my work was "okay, but..."
i was embarrassed and upset, but i still read the (overly dark, fetishized, wish fulfillment) fanfic by the guy who he referenced as an example of “truly” good work. somewhere after that, though, i found a smut fic that was co-written by the two of them.
tell me why i read with my own two face eyes, the phrase, "mushroom head of his dick" in this fuckin' piece of erotic naruto fanfiction, as written by two GROWN MEN? i was 14 when i wrote my first sex scene. i didn't know how a clitoris worked and i still produced better writing than that.
looking back, i’m not really surprised that mum has handled my weirder creative decisions (such as the interspecies alien smut and the surrealist bondage) so well. there were a lot of signs.
… 'mushroom head' ass bitch.